DOGE Raw Milk Report Has Mothers of All Species in Uproar Over Proposed New Regulations
Dateline February 24, 2025 - Washington, DC
Perhaps the most shockingly absurd example of government waste and overreach yet uncovered by the newly formed Department Of Government Efficiency (DOGE) is this plan first launched in 2019 as a joint effort between the Federal Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), USAID, and a number of high profile non-govern-mental-organ-izations (NGOs), including the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, the World Health Organization (WHO), and the Babylon Bee (BB).
A YouTube video from late 2019 surfaced several months ago in which HHS spokeshole Reena Schittsknob was overheard claiming that "...if we don't get this raw milk thing under control in the wild, those nutjob people who are consuming raw milk now are going to only grow stronger and more vocal with every passing day!" Unfortunately the video has since been pulled by YouTube due to copyright complaints by the death metal band Angry Milkmen after their music was overheard in the background of the video, presumably coming from an adjacent room where a Big Ag lobbying group had met to hold a fundraiser.
In the video several lobbyists are also overheard discussing the potential of a worldwide collapse of the animal kingdom due to the pathogens in un-pasteurized milk. One lobbyist can even be heard commenting that perhaps wiping out all animal life on the planet will be good for the "green" economy that has been struggling to go 100% plant-based for decades, but the discussion quickly became heated due to the huge financial stakes amongst the Pro-Pasteurization crowd.
The report (PDF coming soon) details a well laid out plan to implement 100% pasteurization worldwide of all animal milks by 2030, with the following timeline:
2020 - Collect all possible data on every living species on Earth, including population numbers, video and audio footage of each species breeding, dietary habits, feeding schedules, etc., and compile it into an AI powered database
2021 - Ramp up support for pasteurization of all cow's milk among the general populace; implement policies to deter non-pasteurized milk consumption; drive the price of non-pasteurized milk out of reach of the average family's income through oppressive regulation of non-pasteurized milk production
2022 - Leverage government lobbying efforts to bring novel AI derived pasteurization systems to all corners of the Earth, including training of local populations in how to operate and maintain the necessary machinery
2023 - Utilize the vast resouces of various NGOs to:
- Develop plans to intercept the milk of all living mammals before it can be fed to offspring (including training on milking all manner of animals from elephants to mice; special training required for large predatory cats, bears, etc.)
- Tag and inventory all milk collected in order to prevent intermixing of milk among species (e.g. camel milk being fed to squirrels and vice versa)
- Deliver this milk to local pasteurization stations for processing, including calcium supplemenation (leftover chalk dust from public school systems) to make it more visually appealing and easier to work with in dark locales due to the bright white color
- Return milks to the appropriate locales for feeding (in collaboration with multinational corporations including drone manufacturers, FedEx, the Army Corps of Engineers, etc.)
- Monitor consumption of "improved" milk utilizing AI powered surveillance systems provided by Elon Musk in collaboration with Space Force
2024 - Install Donald Trump and Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. in the White House to create the necessary dichotomy of "public opinion™" required to get people arguing over the benefits of pasteurization and the dangers of not utilizing it (with RFK on the non-pasteurization team and Trump leading the McDonalds funded "Pasteurize Everything!" team)
2025 - Position Elon Musk in the federal cabinet to help implement the satellite surveillance systems to be used
2026 - Completely outlaw non-pasteurized milk in all domesticated pet populations; mandate miniature "pasteurization straws" that fit between newborn kittens', puppies', gerbils', etc., mouths and their mothers' teets, beginning with all puppy mills, cat farms, etc., eventually becoming nationwide policy for all U.S. residents' pets
2027 - Begin 100% urban pasteurization of all rat's milk in New York City, Chicago, and Los Angeles (an addendum to the proposal that woud do the same for possum's milk in Tenessee, Kentucky, and most other southern states was shot down in committee)
2028 - Mandate all golf courses add a surcharge to greens fees to fund a plan to pasteurize gophers' milk
2029 - Create a PhD program for milking experts, based on the Rhoades Scholarship model; initiate worldwide implementation of this program through USAID and select media outlets worldwide
2030 - Create an AI powered real-time overview of the final system in action, with cameras positioned in every nook and cranny of all wild areas not visible by drone or satellite; make this system available to law enforcement and Animal Control for locating and eradicating any and all animals still consuming dangerous unpasteurized milk
There is of course much more detail available in the full report which is currently being analyzed by DOGE for any errors or omissions before being released to the media. You can bet that as soon as it becomes available we will be posting it here in its entirety, so stay tuned for that. In the meantime, I'm off to grab a big glass of the "raw" stuff while I still can!
ALERT: At press time a new report has surfaced about another USAID plan to vaccinate all wild animals (apparently mammals only, reptiles will be spared). More news to folow on that front as soon as the report has been confirmed.
